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May 7, 2016

The so-called Ikhtilat

aku tak tau lah nak salahkan peraturan asrama dulu ke apa. peraturan islamik yang mengharamkan berinteraksi dengan berlainan jantina. sampaikan sekarang aku ada satu masalah yang bila aku pikir balik memang menyusahkan diri sendiri.

aku pernah baca sape entah yang tulis, "kadang-kadang orang yang terlalu menjaga ikhtilat ni yang lebih bermasalah daripada orang yang biasa-biasa." and I had to hardly agree. because I'm one of them.

bukan nak kata aku menyesal sebab ikut peraturan sekolah dulu tu. tapi aku lebih marah dekat diri sendiri sebab tak pernah nak belajar untuk berinteraksi secara professional. daripada form 1 aku tak pernah berborak dengan kaum berlainan jenis, bayangkan je lah.

orang yang bermasalah macam ni biasanya sebab tak pernah ada adik beradik lelaki. tapi aku ni abang ada 3. sepatutnya aku lebih tahu macam mana nak bergaul dengan diorang ni, tapi tak. aku jadi lebih konfius what is the proper way to talk, the proper way to interact with them.

maybe sebab I'm so afraid to make mistakes kot. dan aku tanak diorang anggap aku macam-macam; what if I seem so gedik, what if I seem so harsh, what if they thought I'm no good, and the list goes on. the 'what ifs' had disturbed me so much that I decided to just cut off the ties. whether my classmates or whatnot. but then aku terfikir what if I seemed like an arrogant person because memang aku tak bercakap langsung langsung dengan diorang time sekolah dulu. sedaya upaya aku mengelak bila ada apa-apa yang berurusan dengan kaum tersebut.

mula-mula maybe sebab.. yes, because of the so-called ikhtilat. and how we must ghaddul basar and the verse la taqrabu zina pun. tapi lama-kelamaan sampai aku dah tak tau cara yang sebenar nak berinteraksi dengan diorang. lebih lagi dah masuk alam kedewasaan lah sangat ni. nak tak nak memang kena berkomunikasi. and to my misery, I'm really bad at it.

dah memang Allah ciptakan lelaki dan perempuan atas muka bumi ni. kalau memang haram langsung bergaul dengan diorang, so what is the point kan? lita'arafu. berkenal-kenal lah.

tapi kau tak boleh nak putar belitkan verse Quran tu sesuka hati lalu berjimba sakan dengan kaum berlainan jenis ni.

there must be a proper way to do it.

and Allah has guided us in His Kalam.

I really need to make up my mind. sampai bila nak malu tak bertempat. ye, jaga memang jaga. tapi ikut kesesuaian la. diorang pun makhluk Allah jugak.

semoga aku dan kau tak tersesat.

Apr 26, 2016

In A State of Depression

I guess I really am ungrateful. I keep thinking to drop from my studies.

how many people are dying to be in my place right now? yet I keep having this kind of behavior.

how many people out there are tested with a test beyond my imagination, yet I am still like this.

what else do I want to wait? just how much more I want to hurt myself like this?

why do I keep losing my hope? why do my spirit keep leaving me? why do I keep giving up in myself?

what do I want from this life?

why do I keep asking questions and making excuses to put myself in comfort zone?

what fears do I have so much that keeping me away from having positive thoughts?

I thought the older I become, the wiser I'll be.

I thought I'll become better once I set myself out from the old me.

but look, this is what I've become.

having this kind of negative thoughts all over again.

I need help actually, but I don't really know who should be helping me.

I don't even dare to say this to my family. they will surely be disappointed in me.

what do I even want in my life that I have so much fears with uncertainties the future holds.

all I need to do is keep asking Him and pray harder everyday. but I have a feeling that I keep straying away from Him.

what else do I want from this life? I have been blessed with so much things from Him I can't even count.

I give up. and I don't even believe in myself anymore.